“The day before…

I am writing to you, my angel, wondering about your feelings on this day. Carrying me in the womb, carrying the load, the concern of three other youngsters, and carrying your belly, not knowing tomorrow’s fate.

As a mom, I have been pregnant twice, and lived the fear with every pregnancy. Oh God, Dear Almighty, Will I be here to raise them!

The concern of motherhood has always been a hole in my life, it has been the centre of my concerns, and it has been my goal in life since I could ask myself the question of what do you want to be when you grow up.

Probably, because of my fate, I pushed my daughters to be strong; did I push them hard, no, but I know I did push them to be strong and independent women.

The fear of not being around for them one day, made me, in my mind, push them to stand alone, and by each other…

Hey, my angel, did you have this feeling, were you concerned? or do we not live the concern until we are born to it!

To you, my angel, on this day…

One day, you will tell me the story, the story of the day before…
Your thoughts, your feelings…
& the decision of… It is the womb or the tomb?

One day, you will tell me your every minute of your last day among the living…
Until your soul reigned forever, with me, my angel!”

#MOI the black sheep…
Until we meet, cannot say again, we never did…
Spiritual hugs for you, in heaven!

I share with you all the opening and dedication of my biography WHERE IS MY ANGEL?

*****

Where is my Angel?

The journey started with agony, screams and pain; that is all I heard and felt.
Hey, is someone there? I asked. Where is everybody? Where did you all go?
Is that how we receive a newborn? I was told I will be cherished! I was told I will
find a group of people around me, ready for me, expecting me! I was told I will be
someone’s daughter, brother, sister, cousin! This means lots of people out there! I
was told I will be treated like an angel! But instead, this weird reception! Why is
everyone looking at me this way? Why are some of you ignoring me and avoiding
eye contact? Where is the lady that was supposed to hug me when she first sees
me? I was told she will be my mommy, and kids have only one mommy! Hey,
Mommy, are you there?

…that was the answer! Silence was the answer!
Can someone tell me what is happening? Well, it’s after a long while that a white
coat with glasses came to me. Oh I know, this is the angel that promised me all the
beautiful things. The white coat said, Dear Child, I’m sorry to tell you, what a
beginning! Fate knocked at the door of your mommy, and she traded places with
you. You are now on your own. Stay strong!
But wait, you are not the angel that promised me a beautiful life, where are you,
my angel?
My angel was just there, in the corner, looking at me with silence and never left!

That is how my journey started, with agony, screams and pain… It was day one
that I learned that pain is relative to the mind, and if we are not strong enough to
stand alone, pain will overpower us! But remember I was only a child back then…

I dedicate this book to inner-strength, to women in general and remember that
beauty is inside you; to my mother on the death bed and your thoughts at that
moment; to my daughters: because of you I am who I am today; to me and here is
what I have learned so far…
I am not looking for empathy, I am not looking for tears, I am not asking you to
learn from my mistakes although not all are mistakes, I just wish you get to learn
with time about the package that made me the person I am today.

Chapter One

December 6 1964, the day launched with fatal news. The loss of a beautiful 26-
year-old woman. Yes, I was the black sheep, at least in my own eyes. I was the
newborn that morning, the reason behind the loss of that beautiful young lady, my
birth-mother. She was beautiful, with a strong personality, charisma, charm, and
mainly she was the mother of two boys; four and two and a half and a six and a
half year old girl. It was a tragedy in the family. It is the unfairness of life, we can
call it fate, destiny, or a call; I just call it “things happen for a reason”, but till now
I did not find the reason.
Living without a mother is tough. A mother is the source of strength, comfort,
love; a mother is the guidance to perfection; a mother is the devil’s advocate; a
mother is the cover up of mistakes; a mother is the cook, the driver; a mother is the
beginning. She gives her child everything, knowing that her child owes nothing in
return. That is what I lost, and I’m still trying to know why! But unfortunately, no
one wants to discuss it, or there is no one out there to discuss it with.

***********

Host of online Livestream & Author of

*Life’s Detours – Alexandra’s Choices
Book by #MOI, Can broken hearts be mended?

*Where is My Angel?
Book by #MOI and Read about the role of Faith in my life

*Mommy, I am a PACER!
Book by #MOI because I believe that children are the future, the change…

All are available on this Amazon link: Click to purchase or view the books
Through the publishers:
Archway Publishing from Simon and Schuster: Life’s Detours – Alexandra’s Choices
Novum Publishing link: Where is My Angel?
Dorrance Publishers link: Mommy I Am a PACER!

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